Friday, June 24, 2011

the day after. the void

My Dad's spot, empty...

well the first day is halfway over, not fast enough. The house has been very quite which is unusual for our family, we are pretty damn loud. besides the phone ringing non stop from loved ones calling to give their condolences, i can actually hear birds chirping outside for the first time. seriously, there was something always going on at the house. whether it was having the grand babies over or yelling at the laker game with my mom for fun. His presence was HUGE, he filled the room with his joking and teasing. he would tease me and tell me to shave my legs all the time, but being the hippie farmer i am, it never happened, he tried. its the afternoon now and my mom, sister and i are sitting in the living room watching our shows we all watched as a family. some iron chef, minute to win it, the evening news. we didn't eat much for dinner. we just all felt the absence of my dad and all we can do is get used to it. i am worried for my mom, they were a package deal, as she would say. they did everything together, they were very much in love after 32 years. she is very lonely...i will make trips to L.A. every month to comfort her, as well my brothers, sisters, and grand kids. time will heal us all. we miss u dad!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

its time..



after 48 hours of intense suffering, my father passed away this morning at 5:10 am. The last 2 days have been really tough, his body was shutting down inside and out. He fell into semi coma father's day evening after all the kids left, his eyes and mouth stuck wide open. i moved the couch up to his hospital bed to make one large bed and slept next to my dad, holding his hand all night so he knew i was there. there were times my hand slipped out of his and he would moan, i couldn't believe it! On Tuesday, our on call nurse came by and told us to call all my brothers and sisters over to say good bye, it wasn't looking good. we said what we wanted to say and stayed with him the rest of the night. he ended up fighting thru the night, (he's a stubborn man!) and at 4am wednesday morning, the gurgling began. we've been hearing ab0ut this gurgling for quite sometime now from numerous people, its kinda like the calm before the storm. he was a mess, in semi-coma, brown fluid from his lungs drooling out of his mouth, dead & black mummified feet, and numerous infected bed sores all over his body. To be his daughter, who also happens to be his caretaker, i had no choice but to stay strong and continue to make my dad as comfortable as possible. i can't begin to explain how painful it is to watch someone you love in that much pain. after doping him up every hour on the hour, a continuous care nurse came to the house to help out. all of us took a breath and tried to relax and prepare ourselves for what was about to come. my mom, sister tina and i never left his side through out the evening. we took turns holding his hand, rubbing our fingers thru his hair, telling him stories, jokes, telling him we are going to be ok and to go to the party that awaits him! i would get a cold wash cloth and wash his face, it was refreshing to him, i can tell. like i said before, i am daddy's little girl, always have been, always will be. my dad and i are a lot alike, we understand each other. i'd go over and bullshit with him and he would raise an eyebrow or blink or squeeze my hand. its amazing what touch and hearing can do, they say those are the last to go. my mom fell asleep on one of the couches like every night and i would soon after. i got up at midnight and told my mom to go to her bedroom and get a good night sleep. i told her that knowing dad, there is NO way he is going to pass on with us in the room, its just the kind of guy he is. so she said good night to him for the last time and kissed him on the forehead. i followed her lead. I held his hand, told him he did a good job, he was a good man and an amazing father, we are proud of him. told him i love him and kissed him many times over. last thing i said was , "dad, i'm turning my back now to let you do your thing. have a good trip handsome guy, good night. i love you, i love you, i love you."

515 am, i open my eyes to the nurse standing over me. in her heavy czech accent, she told me my father had just passed. i got up quietly, making sure not to wake my mom and sister. i went over to the empty vessel that used to hold my fathers spirit and soul. i combed his hair and kissed him. i called and texted my brothers and sisters to come over so we can wake up my mom and tina together. they got here an hour later as i sat anxiously awaiting, staring down the hallway hoping they are sound asleep. mike was the first to show, he took mom, i took tina.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Father's Day


Today is father's day. i've been up since 730am hanging out in the living room next to my pops hospital bed. My mom and sister Helen left to go to the mortuary to make arrangements. I lied and told him they went to breakfast, he soon forgot they left in the first place. Vegas Vacation plays in the background, we always enjoyed chevy chase movies as a family, we can relate to them in many ways. I had a cup a coffee, made myself some gluten free toast with manucka honey and watched my dad as he fights for his last couple days of life. I stare to make sure he is breathing, sometimes he stops. his mouth is cracked open, his eyebrows frowned, he has fear. Its like someone is literally trying to take his breath away. He jolts up many times saying things that don't make sense.

everyone came by today, my brother and sisters and all the grand kids. It was tough because today has been one of the hardest days we've had so far and having the celebration over stimulated him. A couple hours in, we kind of lost him. He began to talk about people he saw in the room that clearly weren't there or talking gibberish. many times he said he wants to go, lets go, come on we are going to be late. my flight is going to take off, he says with his eyes wide open. He tried to pull out his catheter, he was obviously very anxious. my favorite part of all that was when my dad looks over at me, notices everyone in the room, then asks me, "who are all these ass holes?" he went in and out all day. we had moments when he snapped out of it and was himself again. those moments were nice, i feel that i have shared everything i've wanted to with him.

it is now 11pm, we got a visit from his nurse Toni today after the family left. Toni is a badass. she is about my dads age, is missing a lung, still smokes, curses like a sailor and calls us 'doll babes.' she gave us the real deal and didn't cut any corners. the worse is about to set in. his lungs are beginning to fill up with fluid which is normal when the body starts shutting down, its called terminal pneumonia. he cannot swallow anymore, he cannot fully communicate with us anymore, shortness of breath, and a lot more crazyness has just begun. she gave me some strict instructions since i am the main care taker other than my mom. we are taking shifts on keeping an eye on him. i'm sleeping on one couch, mom's on the other and our cat Rocco is on one too. the count down starts now....

Saturday, June 18, 2011

like a child...

mom & dad giving the hang loose sign


i'm sitting next to my dad right now, like i always do even if he is asleep. checking emails and such, i know it makes him feel safe that i am here. we got some bad news today by the hospice nurse. she says the fact that he has stopped eating, drinking and peeing, is not good. those are all signs that his body is shutting down and the cancer is taking over. His feet are also beginning early stages of gang green, its been almost 2 weeks since his unsuccessful foot surgeries. we knew this was coming, but we didn't expect it to be so soon. he has been such a fighter! this nurse happened to be an on call nurse, not our regular nurse and her story was so coincidental it made me think that we were meant to meet her. after we got my dad all fixed up, i followed her into the bathroom to ask her some questions. she told me that she just lost her father to the same cancer a month ago and he too worked for the airlines like my dad. he was also the same age and there bdays were a few days apart..AND she showed me a pic and they look so much alike! her family also got the news too late and before they knew it, he was gone in 2 weeks. she gave me some advice, told me the truth about what to expect the next couple days and said good bye to my father.

the last couple of weeks i feel like i've been taking care of a child, its really cute. my dad will make faces mostly to communicate, i like when he frowns his eye brows or when he won't let go of his water cup. he'll say the same thing over and over, like, "where is my leg stace?" i answer and point. he says ok, then 2 minutes later, "stace, you sure my leg is right there?" i find it funny...then there's the whole eating puddings, jellos and juices, not to mention diaper changing and making sure they don't feel abandoned. there is something so rewarding about giving back to someone that has given you so much. tomorrow happens to be fathers day, all the kids are coming over to be with dad/papou. we are having a pot luck, making some art together, and making sure he knows we love the shit out of him!

Friday, June 10, 2011

nurse mom & nurse stacey


thats right! mom and i are now "uncertified" nurses. my dads last 3 weeks of life is in our hands. i never thought i'd be doing this. keeping him as comfotable as possible and loved. When shit hits the fan, like if he has a seizure, or starts losing his mind, guess what??? thats on us! that decision made my stomach turn. not because i thought i couldn't do it, that was never a doubt in my mind, i was worried for my mom and tina. taking my dad home to die, watching his body deteriorate in front of our eyes, when he screams in pain, its us that needs to fix it. i get to go back home to Portland after this nightmare is over, but for my mom and tina, they will have to wake up everyday after he passes and be reminded of that hospital bed that once lived in the living room.

We met our hospice care nurse Toni and i instantly loved her. she is such a badass, she's not a B.Ser, curses like nobodies business with a raspy smokers voice and best of all she makes my dad smile. my brother mike liked her right away too, we felt safe with her. she told us to call her if we needed anything, otherwise she would see us twice a week. she pulled me aside and told me that i'm in for a hell of a ride. she warned me on what to expect when things go south and educated me on his meds and how to properly take care of him. she had a chat with my mom too (she sensed my mom's fear) and told her to keep her shit together!!

the first week was rough, our family isn't used to this, i mean, what family is?? there were times that the stress got the best of us, we would break down, but never gave up. wipe the tears, suck it up and keep trucking because the man we love needs us. good thing we have plenty of back up =)

Thursday, June 9, 2011

testing one, two. testing. is this thing on?




after a few days in the hospital, my dads right foot was completely purple, cold and in a lot of pain. An emergency surgery was in order. the doctors explained the dangers of the surgery because of the blood thinner meds he is on and the complications due to his health. they had no choice but to go ahead with the surgery, his foot was at stake. my mom and family thought this might be it for dad. of course the hospital fucked up and fed my dad more shitty food when he should of been prepped for surgery. we had to sit around and wait about 9 hours for the food to pass through his system before they can begin. all 7 of us and my mom helped wheel his bed down to the surgery room. we said good bye and crossed our fingers. we had burgers that night, waited 3 hours and heard a phone ring in the waiting room. my mom ran to it and they said, "is this mrs. givens?" she said yes, is my little honey ok? he was fine, he survived and after an 8 inch clot was removed from his leg, he was ready to relax for now, as were we.

i booked a flight to portland and was expected to fly back with emma just for 2 days to take care of the farm and move things out of my room for sublet. on my way to the airport i find out dad had to go in for another foot surgery, the clot was back, the foot looked worse then before! my dad and family told me to go and take care of things, they told me he would be fine. i landed at midnight, and quinne met me at home to talk. i got a phone call from my mom, then my sister helen, then of course mike. they said he is fine, but the clots are so bad, there is nothing they can do. they can't even amputate because he would bleed to death. so now what? i fly home as soon as i finish harvest and went to the hospital to talk to doctors. my dads oncologist came by and the surgeon to tell my dad and family that he is out of options. we were advised to look into hospice care and that his foot would eventually die and turn gang green, in turn killing my father within 3 weeks. we were shocked!! what do you mean you can't help him?! i interviewed hospice folks and felt good about trinity hospice here in the south bay. they got us out of there and set up at home within a few hours, my dad couldn't wait to go home, home for his final weeks. it took 4 dudes to get my dad up the stairs in a chairlift, he is a heavy fella. it just got harder from here on out. it was on, my mom and i became instant nurses over night for the next 2 weeks, we had no choice!!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

my family





My family is amazing!!! we all have been giving in some way or another during this hard time. My brother mike has been at the hospital and house everyday making sure things are squared away with doctors, making sure mom and tina are ok and making sure i have coffee. my sister Helen drives from garden grove everyday to hold my dads hand and just be with him, not to mention her husband jim and their kids. her kids are very close to my dad, they are constantly in tears. renna and damian feed us, so does john and nikki. tina cleans the house and answers the phone. peter comes by when he can with his wife and kids for support, they live the farthest, san diego. but the grand prize goes to.......drum roll please...........my mama!! when theres an overnight at the hospital, she never leaves his side, when he needs anything at all, she is right there. it pays off to have a big Greek family... i love you all, even though i lose my shit sometimes on some of you, i really do love u..

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

ER, we're back


right before the ambulance arrived


after being released from the hospital the first time, we ended up right back there with a 911 call. that morning he woke up and needed help walking to the bathroom and the couch, the walker wasn't cutting it anymore. his right foot began to turn purple and he couldn't feel it. he was up all night peeing every thirty minutes with stomach pain. he asked for a sleeping pill so i gave in. i called my brother mike, as i always did for help, to come over because i was worried. my mother hesitantly went to breakfast with my theo louie that had just arrived from chicago. my girlfriend emma was in town as well. once my dad made it to the couch, he just slumped over, he was so tired. a few minutes later he had to pee again, he was so stubborn, instead of using the pee cup (since my mom wasn't there to help him), he sucked it up, grabbed the walker as my sister and i followed with our arms around him. he shut the bathroom door and tried to pee on his own and change his boxer briefs. i stood outside the door and heard him struggling, breathing hard as he began to cry. mike had just arrived and he went in there whether my dad liked it or not. my dad, defeated and short of breath asked me to call an ambulance. i did, they arrived, i gave them his mediacl history, mom came home, freaked out, we were on our way back to little company of mary hospital.

mike and i made the calls and slowly but surely everyone came to visit pops during that day in ER room number 4. We waited about 10 hours again for a room, like we did the last time we went to the ER. the docs said he had another minor heart attack and his purple foot is the product of the blood clots having a field day. my dad got diagnosed with DVT in late February (deep vein thrombosis) and since then his legs have been swollen. the problem this time was that a clot got into an artery instead of the veins, thats a bad sign. that day we were told the cancer has taken a turn for the worst, one by one we went in to share some words with dad. i told him how much i loved him and ill miss him. he joked and said, "get me the hell out of here, lets take a train to portland stace." he always loved portland, but my mom would never consider moving there because of the rain. he started getting all loopy and shit, he was seeing cats and vans in the room! he told me not to tell mom, so i didn't. we got a room finally and my mom stayed with him every night for the whole week he was there. i'd trade off with her in the early morning hours so she can go home and shower. i would watch old john wayne movies with him while he rested. we would look at old pics, i asked him what his wishes were, i assured him we were going to be ok, i fed him a crappy breakfast. everyday felt the same, mike would bring me a REAL cup of coffee in the morning, mom would come back, visitors would come, helen always came by after work and some other family members of ours would roll in before night fall too.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

you cut his what?!!! his catoula?!!!





I have to share this story, with everything thats going on, we ended up getting a good laugh out of this! So my dad is back from the hospital, he is having trouble walking due to the blood clots and swelling in his legs. sometimes he cannot make it to the bathroom, so we bought a pee cup thing for him. my mom called her greek golden girl friend helen dodos over to the house to shave my dads face. he looked so handsome! all the sudden dad had to pee, as he did every 30 minutes, so we all left the room so my mom can assist him. about a minute later she comes running out with the plastic pee cup filled with amber color pee screaming, "i cut his catoula! (penis in Greek) i cut the tip of his pea-nuts (she meant penis, but can't pronounce it)" apparently the cheap pee cup made in korea cut him slightly. normally thats not a big deal, BUT when you're taking blood thinners, its bad. everybody starts running around like a bunch of chickens with their head cut off, except for me, on the internet looking up what to do in this situation. lets see, get a towel and ice water and place pressure for twenty minutes until bleeding stops, if it does not, please go to the ER. Easy, the bleeding stopped and the rest of the night was filled with jokes about my dad's "pea-nuts."

Saturday, June 4, 2011

happy memorial day???


It took a couple days for my dad to recover from the biopsy, it took a lot out of him. We got him home, went about the same routine we did the week before. wake up at 8, get the couch ready for pops to sit in all day and begin juicing him some beets, carrots, ginger and apples. once we greet him, give him his juice and take his blood pressure, my mom or i make him some breakfast, either cream of wheat or fruit or a healthy scramble. even though we were doing the same thing we always have, that morning seemed off, he seemed different. he ate very little, then ten minutes later he is yelling for me, "stace, i'm going to throw up, get a bag." he tried to throw up for awhile and nothing happened. he became very weak, so weak he missed out on the memorial day bbq we were having for him. From that day on, nothing was the same, he continued to get weaker, legs were swollen, edema, bloating and chest pains. We decided to take him to the ER and found that he had a minor heart attack. All of us throughout the day filled that tiny ER room to be with him. They served him dinner, uh, lets see, meatloaf with gravy, mashed potatoes, strawberry cake, bread and butter and i think chocolate milk. Don't worry, i'm writing a letter!! They didn't even ask about his dietary restrictions, he's on blood thinners dammit!! there are a lot of things that can cause eternal bleeding if eaten while on blood thinners. We waited 11 hours for a private room to open up upstairs. My mom never left his side, she slept with him.

after one night, he got released back into the wild. Dad didn't want much to eat, he seemed different, he was losing his will to fight, already, i see it in his pretty green eyes. In the meantime, i'm calling UCLA and cancer treatment center of america to see what they can do for my dad. Not much. why? because of his insurance!! my dad got denied, thats bullshit! i didn't stop there, i met with a wonderful natropathic doctor in torrance and spent 3 hours with him going over my dads condition. When i returned home with the news from dr. knight, i got yelled at by my mother. she doesn't believe much in alternative medicine, she was calling him a crook and told me i was never to see him again. i continued to communicate with dr. knight via email and phone calls behind her back.

Before we got the call that we were denied from cancer treatment center of america, we were ready to go take dad on a road trip to Arizona to save his life. we fell for that ridiculous commercial about some lady named peggy who had stage 4 pancreatic cancer and the treatment center of america saved her life. we got my dad excited, his hope came back! when we knew that wasn't an option anymore, we got him an appointment with the USC pancreatic cancer center. My dad was too weak since he was just released from the hospital, so my brother mike, his girlfriend beth, my brother in law jim and i went to discuss the results from the biopsy with his oncologist so we can move forward and get a second opinion at USC. The oncologist explained the biopsy to us, it came back inconclusive. WHAT?! not okay! he said from his experience its 99.9% pancreatic cancer with a tumor located in the tail of the pancreas and he knows it has spread to the liver, duh, we already knew that much buddy. he just wasn't sure if it was classic pancreatic cancer or the slower to progress pancreatic cancer. either way he said treatment is an option if his leg issues get better. we came home and delivered the news.

Friday, June 3, 2011

cancer boot camp week 1


So it's day one of living back home. i made it thru one night, a shit ton more to go. My old room has a different feel altogether, although my glow in the dark stars are still on the ceiling and they still glow, it feels as if my presence has never been here. I still have my mother and sister barging into my room without knocking and the smell of my mom's Greek food cooking early in the morning, those things have remained the same. I stayed up all night learning about pancreatic cancer, what causes it, how to feed it, what treatment options he might have and so on. I printed out reminders for my dad and taped them up around the house saying, "dad, remember to breathe, we love you, be strong, don't worry we are by your side." I knew when my alarm went off that first morning, everything was about to turn upside down.

I made a list and headed for a long day of shopping. I went to target and bought a heavy duty juicer, i went to borders and bought books, i went to staples to get a journal to record everything my dad puts into his body, i went to whole foods market to buy my dad a new diet! When i returned home i cleaned out the fridge and cabinets, so much stuff had to go. frozen foods, sweets, artificial bullshit. I called my nutritionist friend alicha back in Portland and she helped me build a menu around my dads condition. Sure i've been a professional chef for 10+ years, but when it comes to healing with food, i needed back up. my dad has very painful blood clots throughout his legs. His legs are swollen and must be elevated all day long, he takes warfarin (a blood thinner) to control the clots, but when taking warfarin one must stay away from vitamin K and limit vitamin e. Are you kidding, stay away from vitamin K! All those delicious, cancer fighting leafy greens, seaweed, and vitamin e too...! it was tough but over the course of a week, my dad begin to eat foods he never thought he would. You can see the fear in his eyes and the will to live, he drank beet juice and ate quinoa, he was too scared not to.
Once we got him on a healthy diet, keeping his spirits up and exercise was next. At that point he was walking, so we got him off the couch a few times a day and he would sit on the back patio in the sun. Things were looking up, we were almost a week in from the diagnosis and he was looking and feeling great!
We had a biopsy scheduled to get a better idea of how advanced the cancer was and what are options would be. My mom, brother mike and I took him in to Torrance memorial. We waited in a very tiny room while my dads insides were getting photographed and poked at. The doctor came in and says he has some bad news for us. he had the pictures of the pancreas and liver in his hand and thru his thick german accent i heard him say this is the end, i'm sorry. Trying to ask more questions, hoping for more answers, my mom is screaming once again n Greek like a mad women. She is a very intense lady and very dramatic, she has so much emotion inside of her and never holds it back. The doctor pointed to the pictures of the liver where the cancer has spread completely, it was like looking at a dark rain cloud or a cloud of smoke, it looked evil for sure. my mom went into the room where my father was waking up, mike and i stayed behind for a second to take it all in. we just looked at each other and lost it. Pushing the tears aside, we began planning the next step, what specialist we can talk to, maybe USC, UCLA, natropaths, of course, people have beat this and so can my dad. We went in to see my dad, he looked so angelic like under the bright hospital lights, thats the first time i've seen him hooked up to machines in a gown. We just stared at each other as he held my hand, he didn't have to say anything. We texted and called all our brother and sisters, we are 3 days away from Memorial Day, lets do a family BBQ.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

the call. the roast. the trip back


The day was May 19th, 2011. It was a sunny Portland day, one of the first of the season, which means everyone is frolicking about, wearing shorts and sleeveless shirts probably going to brunch, or planting a garden, or opening a food cart or saving the world, just another day in Portland. I on the other hand was days away from putting on a huge foodie event called 'Spring Pig', a pig roast benefit to support the Portland Farmers Market. My intern Josh and i were so gitty that day! We were on our way to the kitchen that held our beautiful 140 pound pig for the roast. We made 12 quarts of a spicy sweet rub and couldn't wait to get our hands on that pig! We made a stop at New Seasons Market to pick up some extra rub ingredients just in case we needed more. Just as we parked, i get a call from my brother mike. I knew something was wrong. All i remember is mike saying, "sweetie, dad is sick" he was crying so bad i couldn't hear much, just bits and pieces, "cancer, 6 months". My mother was screaming a bunch of greek in the backround, i pictured her on her hands and knees, doing her cross and being out of control. (i've seen it before...) all i remember is locking myself in my truck, shaking, not wanting to believe it.

After talking to my dad and family later that day, they convinced me to go ahead with the pig event that weekend and then to think about coming home. My father is my best friend, so i decided to shut down the farm for the summer and move back home to L.A to take care of him. my brother Mike picked me up from the airport and didn't tell anyone i was coming. i walked up the stairs quietly, turned the corner and met eyes with my dad. we started to cry, i will never forget that look on his face.