its time..

after 48 hours of intense suffering, my father passed away this morning at 5:10 am. The last 2 days have been really tough, his body was shutting down inside and out. He fell into semi coma father's day evening after all the kids left, his eyes and mouth stuck wide open. i moved the couch up to his hospital bed to make one large bed and slept next to my dad, holding his hand all night so he knew i was there. there were times my hand slipped out of his and he would moan, i couldn't believe it! On Tuesday, our on call nurse came by and told us to call all my brothers and sisters over to say good bye, it wasn't looking good. we said what we wanted to say and stayed with him the rest of the night. he ended up fighting thru the night, (he's a stubborn man!) and at 4am wednesday morning, the gurgling began. we've been hearing ab0ut this gurgling for quite sometime now from numerous people, its kinda like the calm before the storm. he was a mess, in semi-coma, brown fluid from his lungs drooling out of his mouth, dead & black mummified feet, and numerous infected bed sores all over his body. To be his daughter, who also happens to be his caretaker, i had no choice but to stay strong and continue to make my dad as comfortable as possible. i can't begin to explain how painful it is to watch someone you love in that much pain. after doping him up every hour on the hour, a continuous care nurse came to the house to help out. all of us took a breath and tried to relax and prepare ourselves for what was about to come. my mom, sister tina and i never left his side through out the evening. we took turns holding his hand, rubbing our fingers thru his hair, telling him stories, jokes, telling him we are going to be ok and to go to the party that awaits him! i would get a cold wash cloth and wash his face, it was refreshing to him, i can tell. like i said before, i am daddy's little girl, always have been, always will be. my dad and i are a lot alike, we understand each other. i'd go over and bullshit with him and he would raise an eyebrow or blink or squeeze my hand. its amazing what touch and hearing can do, they say those are the last to go. my mom fell asleep on one of the couches like every night and i would soon after. i got up at midnight and told my mom to go to her bedroom and get a good night sleep. i told her that knowing dad, there is NO way he is going to pass on with us in the room, its just the kind of guy he is. so she said good night to him for the last time and kissed him on the forehead. i followed her lead. I held his hand, told him he did a good job, he was a good man and an amazing father, we are proud of him. told him i love him and kissed him many times over. last thing i said was , "dad, i'm turning my back now to let you do your thing. have a good trip handsome guy, good night. i love you, i love you, i love you."

515 am, i open my eyes to the nurse standing over me. in her heavy czech accent, she told me my father had just passed. i got up quietly, making sure not to wake my mom and sister. i went over to the empty vessel that used to hold my fathers spirit and soul. i combed his hair and kissed him. i called and texted my brothers and sisters to come over so we can wake up my mom and tina together. they got here an hour later as i sat anxiously awaiting, staring down the hallway hoping they are sound asleep. mike was the first to show, he took mom, i took tina.